


Crack Oneshots

by rainbowjan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Out of Character, Ron Weasley Bashing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:22:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26390341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowjan/pseuds/rainbowjan
Summary: Random things I thought were funny at the time. Most of this will be Harmony, which I think has the most crack potential.
Relationships: Dolores Umbridge/Voldemort, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood & Severus Snape
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

One day, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Mrs. Weasley were on a walk.

"Harry, I love you so much" said Hermione out of the blue.

"Yes, I love you too, Hermy. Will you marry me?"

Ron yelled,"NO HERMY! yOu WeRe SuPpOsEd To MaRrY mE!!!!"

Then Ginny, Ron, and Mrs. Weasley attacked the couple. Harry and Hermione beat them in less than one second. Then they got married and lived happily ever after with no trouble at all ever.

**The End**


	2. Chapter 2

Ginny, Hermione and Ron were in the Great Hall eating dinner, when Hermione came out as a lesbian to him.

Ron, to say the least, did not take it well. "There's no way, Hermy! BeInG gAy Is A sIn, ThAtS wHaT tHe BiBlE sAyS! Also, I love you. Maybe you could reconsider your choices?"

At this point Ginny stood up. "IF YOU MOCK MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT AGAIN, ILL HEX YOU INTO NEXT YEAR", she said, taking a little inspiration from Caps-Lock Harry.

Ron stood up. "I challenge Hermione to a duel."

"I accept"

Hermione then hit Ron with five curses, all before he drew his wand. "I surrender," he said. Then he died from a last minute Sectumsempra Hermione had cast before he surrendered. No one mourned for Ron, not even his best friend Harry.


	3. Chapter 3

"'Mione," Ron exclaimed, "Where did _you_ go for the summer?"

"I went to America. Why do you ask?"

"Ohhh... that makes sense. You went to America when you were, to be honest, not that hot. But America has really changed you. Now you're incredibly hot, and I want to date you."

"No, Ronald. Now that I'm hot, I can have anyone I want. And you can stop trying, because before the summer, I thught I loved you, but now I know I don't. I've experienced the bliss of being extremely attractive and could never settle down with an ugly person like you."

"But--"

"Go away from me, Ronald. You will never, ever, date me, so you may as well stop trying."

Hermione married Cormac McLaggen. Ron was depressed for the rest of his life.


	4. Chapter 4

The Quidditch game was over. Harry Potter landed his broom and went to the locker room. His muscles were bulging from sitting on his broom and not doing anything for an hour.

"Harry! I just noticed your muscles, and they are amazing," screamed Romilda Vane. "I love you!!!!!!"

Harry stared into space and ignored Romilda. He had someone else on his mind.

"Wow, Draco. I see your Quidditch muscles are as big as ever."


	5. Chapter 5

Dolores Umbridge walked back to her office after torturing Harry with her blood quill. She picked up the pink towel with her face on it, the pink teacups, pink plates, and pink lunchbox. This was a very important picnic. 

"Dolly, how are you today?"

"Amazing, Cornelius."

Then they kissed. Harry, watching, had his eyeballs blown out of their sockets to see Satan herself feeling anything. Voldemort, disguised as Fudge revealed himself.

"Thank you, Dolly. That Potter brat is finally gone."

"But surely that wasn't the only reason we kissed? I love you, Voldemort."

Voldemort was not seen at Malfoy Manor until the next morning.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry walked into his house and heard an unfamiliar sound, a faint pounding. He crept toward the bedroom and caught Ginny with Michael Corner, in his own bed. He couldn't do anything but immediately leave. The lovers didn't even notice him.

He went to Hermione's flat to talk to her.

"Hermione, I found Ginny and Michael Corner in our bed. They didn't even acknowledge me when I caught them."

Hermione internally smiled. "Wanna fuck?"

Harry eagerly accepted her offer. They fucked until the early hours of the morning.

When Harry left, Hermione laughed maniacally. "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. There was no Corner! It was all ME!!!"


	7. Chapter 7

Severus Snape sighed as he walked towards his ball. It had been a bad shot, and it was made worse by the fact that Lovegood was with him. They had developed a faint friendship, but playing _golf_? He knew she had always been a little off, but this was new. Luna called to him, shaking Snape out of his thoughts.

"Sev! Look where I hit it! Aren't you proud of me?"

Snape sighed. This Lovegood girl was really something else. First of all, _Sev_? Did he look like a Sev?

"Luna, my name is Severus," he said in distaste. He had seen where Luna hit it, but was too focused on trying to get his ball out from the muddy pond. He reluctantly rolled up his pant sleeves and slowly waded in. He had just seen the ball on top of a small ledge about ten feet off the shore, but it wasn't there anymore.

"Oh, looking for your ball, Sev?"

Snape gritted his teeth. "Yes, Luna. I am in fact looking for my ball. Have you seen it?"

"Nope, but I did place the Snitch charms on it. Hope that helped!"

Snape sighed and face-palmed. Just as he looked up, he saw Luna grinning at him from across the fairway. He sighed again. This was going to be a long afternoon.


End file.
